Devon & Cornwall Police letter Of Complaint

Devon & Cornwall Police letter Of Complaint

(This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry

member of the public - lengthy but brilliantly written.....)

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police s

tation to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-

mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message o

n to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or

Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I t

hink you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off St Marys

Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game that involves kicking a footba

ll against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth

shattering CLANG! that rings throughout the entire building. This game is

now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I ha

ve no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several

bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dum

ped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting abo

ut a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited atten

tion to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side, between the two

bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off,

then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend th

em the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the

street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assur

ances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with! Why not

leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there a

re no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a

three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no othe

r purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwba

cks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start bef

ore coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant

???????



Dear Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems

caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered

in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an

offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details

(address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ????

Community Beat Officer



Dear PC ?

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my

original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police

station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhi

rter for inclusion in his next 'Guinness Records' book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat

officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills?In the five or

so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I have never seen you.Do you h

ide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang its

elf?

Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one

with a chin like a wash hand basin?

It's surely only a matter of time before you will be headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in

Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care

and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using

words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these tw * ts that they

might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within

spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further, please feel free to

contact me on Tel: *********** If after 25 minutes I have still failed to

answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards

Mr ?????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't

work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!